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Sunday, November 13, 2011

My Biggest Fear.

As I was driving home tonight, I felt overwhelmed with gratitude. I had such a productive weekend, and I felt plugged in to people I love, and hobbies I love. I was proud of my body for bouncing back so quickly from a 24 hour virus, and proud of the 10 trash bags filled with clothes to donate (way to go, Denton Women's Collective!). I enjoyed time by a fire with friends, put time in on the clock on a Saturday, fit in two photoshoots this weekend, listened to my cousin play guitar (and chimed in with the flute!), worked for hours editing the images, did 5 loads of laundry, went to a DWC meeting, and walked the dogs.


Tent Party/Clothing Swap Fall 2011
The clothesline
Shirts
The fire
(Photo cred: Richard Rousey)
Despite the non-stop, on-the-go action...in the back of my mind, I knew my constants. My constants have always been there, and always will be there. My mom, dad, and sister. My family. And with the 6 1/2 year history, George has earned himself a place in my family as well. My mom texted me on the drive home telling me she'd watched the video I made her for Mother's Day which made my night...and then when I got back to my loft, my two sweet pups were barking and bouncing (as usual), greeting me and welcoming me back home.






My biggest fear in life is losing those closest to me. 


I'm not afraid to die, but I feel such anxiety thinking about losing those closest to me. I can't let myself get too carried away in my own head...otherwise I start to feel...horrible. I haven't lost them yet, so I shouldn't burden myself with the anxiety...but I'm terrified. I really don't think I could make it without my parents, sister, or George. I just can't imagine my life without them in it. And the split second I think I COULD imagine my life without somebody that meaningful...it wouldn't be a life I'd want at all. They make my life complete. My heart aches for those who have lost somebody so close. Even for my own mom, who has lost both her parents and a sibling. My mom lives my biggest fear, EVERY DAY. And thank God for her strength, because that has taught me that it is POSSIBLE even though it is so dreaded.


My mom. 
My sister and dad.
Georgie, on the night of the clothing swap and campfire.

Even my dogs...and it sounds silly because I know the average human lifespan and average dog lifespan...and I know the day will inevitably come...but I dread the day.




I try to take that energy spent dreading/worrying/fretting and turn it into gratitude that I have people (and pets) that mean SO MUCH to me. Also, I am grateful for the tangible reminders that I know we are all leaving behind. It is such a comfort to me, that now, thanks to technology, I have thousands of photographs of the people I love. I'm so grateful my mom has made scrapbooks throughout our lives that I can look through. Our lives are documented. Preserved. Cherished. I have dozens of songs to choose from when I want to hear George singing. Perhaps my favorite is the song we recorded together, which I've never shared online (one of the few things I've left private!), and haven't even let anybody else hear (sans Jacob, who engineered/recorded the song). It's sacred to me. 


When I was at my parents' house last Tuesday (I try to go each week for Glee and dinner!), I went through my closet (as usual). I found a folder that had all kind of nostalgia inside. My favorite were the two letters my parents each wrote me the day I left for college, and one from my sister. I teared up reading the letters. Those would also fall in the category of "too sacred" to share online, but I am so grateful I have them. 


So for now, I'm thankful. Thankful, thankful, thankful. And I will try to remain present, so that the fear of the future doesn't cast a shadow on the absolute bliss that my family provides me.

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